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Observer Yort’s Encyclopedia of the Human Race, -1st and Final Edition

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Observer Yort’s Encyclopedia of the Human Race, -1st and Final Edition

Pre-Departure Recording

Rule #21 of the 42 Principles of Planetary Infiltration:
“Be a medium sized fish in a medium sized pond.”

Congratulations earned, constructed sentient Y-4514, for the status of your studies (ie. Completed). Your final class standing of 21 out of 42 has demonstrated your excellence for modesty. As a result you have been assigned the most important assignment among your kind, within the specification of your class.

Y-4514, you have been dispatched to the 3rd planet of the [milky way galaxy] to observe all sentients pending the Decision. What follows is the preliminary notes of the planet. Notes are to be understood as incomplete, otherwise your mission would be officially over. Since you have not begun your mission, it cannot be defined as over, unless, and this is not the case in this particular instance, the beginning was the end. Therefore, because of this not being either the end or beginning/end of your mission, you are advised to pay attention.

The planet is spherical, and all available evidence indicates that the planet was not terraformed. The atmosphere is a pleasant nitrogen/oxygen mixture, and roughly 71% of the planet’s surface is composed of water. Initial testing has shown that the water tastes like crap. The gravity is a stable and uninteresting, 7.3 pffft units.

Of the 86.3 million species on the planet earth, plus [the platypus], the only species capable of developing toasters is the species [homo-sapien]. Initial reports show that the [homo-sapien] is incredibly territorial and capable of creative acts of mass violence. They have a diverse set of cultures and religious beliefs, far beyond the norm of the civilized races of the cosmos. In the latter many attribute a unique trait in ascribing ethical modifiers, usually positive, to the Great and Indifferent Creator.

Initial survey teams have constructed the following guide to the basic etiquette of the majority of [homo-sapien]s.

  1. Avoid eating their young.
  2. Termination of an individual [homo-spaien] is discouraged and not allowed unless enough additional [homo-sapien]s say they don’t mind. Termination of multiple [homo-sapien]s is acceptable if enough [homo-sapien]s not being terminated agree in addition to the major authority figure of the group of [homo-sapien]s seeking termination, and state their intentions before attempting to terminate aforementioned [homo-sapien]s.
  3. Sexual organs are to be concealed in public. Greetings do not involve sexual organs, and is considered to be criminally weird.
  4. Certain other species may be eaten for nutrition or pleasure. The other species are considered unacceptable to eat because of one or more of the following: they are currently being made extinct, are defined as “icky”, are being oppressed by a [homo-sapien] overlord, or are too cute to eat.
  5. [Homo-sapien]s have a concept of “private ownership”. Under this system only one human being must have primary ownership over an item. The primary owner may allow access to this item to other [homo-sapien]s if it so wishes. Attempting to gain access to an item without the primary owner’s consent is generally considered to be a “very bad thing”.
  6. Seriously, do NOT eat their young.
  7. Worth of a [homo-sapien] is determined by the amount of stuff possessed, minus fecal matter.

The appropriate self visual and tactile programs for your avatar has been downloaded into your internal storage device. Upon deployment you will acquire an identity from a local sentient, and assume its position in the alien society. The sentient is to be cryogenicly frozen and will be implanted with false memories as is in adherence to protocol 3-A2, subsection b1, of the 42nd and final edition of the Planetary Guide for Infiltration.

We must put forward a cautionary series of words for the usage of your avatar system. It will replicate a target sentient to 98.4% accuracy. During which, as designed, your body will disperse its mass and collect any necessary materials to create your avatar. It should, and has, been noted that your body is not 100% accurate, as such all medical facilities should be avoided. Furthermore, you will be subject to 98.4% of all possible forms of death that happen to afflict the species of the target sentient.

In the advent of a situation that is 85.6% likely to result in termination of yourself, you are to efficiently aid in its process. Failure to do so will result in a series of fines in the afterlife. In the event that there is no afterlife, you will be punished by not being able to participate in any of the afterlife activities that we have planned. In the event that the situation that is 85.6% likely to result in termination does not result in termination, you will be recalled to a new assignment to explore what happens post-termination. It should also be noted, and is being noted, that the teams on current assignment to explore post-termination events have currently not returned and are believed to be terminated.

Communications are to be delivered on the 9th [calendar unit] of the [larger calendar unit], and are to be sent in encrypted, burst transmission. You are to invent at least two acronyms per communication, and the transmission must be at least 25 [non-translatable unit of measurement] in [non-translatable sensory input]. Intercepted transmissions are to be considered problematic and all efforts must be made to destroy any compromised transmissions, or to tarnish the credibility of any source attempting to distribute said compromised transmission. Allied tabloid reporters have been deployed to your assigned planet and have successfully deflected attention from the Yeti, Elvis, super Hitler, and Jesus.

You are to prepare for dismissal at promptly 4.2134 planetary cycles from the completion of -1st edition of the Planetary Guide for Infiltration and the -1st edition of the Omni-pedia of Sentient Species. As is custom, you are to collect no more or less than 42 objects, displaying exactly 1,764 qualities. Do not forget to bring a towel.

File 1: Initial Observations on Basic Leadership Structure of Hive [Orlando]

“There is no better indicator of a species being ready for solar system exploration than the development of the toaster. The toaster demonstrates that a species has developed mechanization, the harnessing of electrical energy for constructive purposes, and the distribution of sliced bread.”
-Professor sqrt((10x2+5x+1)/pi), University of Central Cosine

Universal cycle 4, Subunit 301.405.1: Salutations Compilers, to whom all data is subject and to whom designate all sequential orderings. These are the collected recordings of constructed sentient Y-4514, designation Yort. It is this unit’s distinct pleasure to serve in the eternal struggle of ever recycling observation and analysis. As a servant of the enlightened inquivistivation there is no higher honor than to observe the more highly dynamic civilizations. As such few civilizations observed within this universal cycle are as charmingly schizophrenic and unstable as [humanity].

Pre-infiltration scans of media, and rectal scans of more “dynamic” drones of human society, reveal a fragmented consciousness typical of juvenile species. The most noticeable feature of [homo-sapiens] on a macro level is their tendency to further divide themselves into large, complex units defined as [nations]. [Nations] can be defined as units of societal grouping that are characterized by only a marginal collective hatred between its component units, which is overshadowed by their collective hatred of the component units of other [nations].

Another defining characteristic of nations is their geographical element, in which nations are confined to regions within invisible boundaries or “borders”. It becomes immediately apparent that [homo-spaiens] seem to have a level of hatred and distrust for other [homo-sapiens] that increases in a relative proportionally to the total distance from which they were spawned. [Nations] are thus an abstraction which show the approximate distance of inter-[homo-sapien] cooperation for a given voluntary collective of [homo-spaiens]. [Homo-sapiens] also have the tendency to hate other [homo-spaiens] as a collective group, rather than as individual units, permitting a degree of fluid travel across borders.

I have chosen to infiltrate the most influential of these [nations], in what is arguably the most well-known of their thoroughly average class of hives, that has chosen to refer to itself as [Orlando]. My initial survey of the hive reveals that it’s leadership class is selected by a ritual which involves displaying plumage in the form of placards placed outside dwellings, on transportation arteries, hydrocarbon land/air vehicles, garments, and media transmissions. The [homo-sapien] with the most intricate and distributed plumage is given nearly unrestrained access to the mechanisms of hive development, and are promptly forgotten by the majority of the hive. The process is repeated in a regular cycle, where the current leadership class reminds the hive that they are, to us the [homo-sapien] expression, “heated feces”.

Comparable to the leadership class is what I have decided to refer to as the Edification Erection Arrangers (EEA). They have a symbiotic relationship with the leadership class in which it provides plumage in exchange for nearly exclusive access to communal resources. As mentioned by the initial report fashioned by the the Office of Interstellar Observers, [homo-sapiens] have a unique concept of [private ownership]. In such a relationship, a [homo-sapien] claims exclusive access to a material object which becomes [theirs]. Any unauthorized attempt to access the claimed object is responded to with a varying degree of hostility, in some cases resulting in termination of either the expropriator or the expropriate.

[Homo-sapiens] will reluctantly part with [personal property] to the leadership class for the development of the hive. These resources are then transferred directly to members of the EEA who will develop plans to add on to the hive, and direct drones to do the actual physical work. It seems that what is ultimately constructed under the direction of the EEA is relatively unimportant as long as it is big, costly, and the EEA is allowed to claim ownership of it. Other than the transfer of resources to the EEA the leadership class itself seems largely irrelevant, and seems to be a symbolic position when compared to the power welded by members of the EEA. Further complicating the relationship is the tendency of members of the EEA to also be members of the leadership class as well.

Theoretically members of the leadership class are directly responsible to drones of the hive, which despite widespread disapproval of the leadership class is oddly still the general sentiment of the majority of hive drones. In practice, hive drones are given the opportunity to voice disapproval at minority of the meetings of the leadership class. These sentiments are then acknowledged and openly ignored. From what I can tell, the operation of the management of the hive is very similar to the operation of what [homo-sapiens] refer to as a [business] (a subject which will require much elaboration), in all but the opportunity to be personally ignored by the leadership class.

The general populace of the [Orlando] hive is rather sedentary in most aspects, most notably in its interactions with its leadership class. It is quite a feat that the hive operates at all, as the drones fracture themselves into a myriad of social fragments, with many eschewing social interaction to a degree unfathomable in our [???] society. I am worried that the degree of interaction required to accurately document this one hive may be more than I can spare. The publishing date for the -1st edition of the Omni-pedia of Sentient Species is rapidly approaching, and I dare not face the wrath of the Compilers or miss the next universal cycle. I also fear that infiltration will be delicate and will require transformations between multiple subjects to be able to travel between social fragments without drawing unwanted attention.

To return from that semi-personal tangent (all necessary apologies) back to the subject at hand. Hatred for the leadership class is nearly universal among the drones, although oddly fewer drones despise the members of the EEA and a good number actually revere them. Of the latter, they place undue emphasis on the powers of the hive leaders, and decry something called [socialism], which according to them, is the redistribution of resources by hive leaders to those drones that have a lot of resources to those with relatively few resources. I am uncertain as to how they have come to this seemingly paradoxical conclusion, as the leadership class obviously does the exact opposite. It will require a much higher degree of observation, outside the scope of initial reconnaissance.

As it is not currently a leadership selection cycle, I have taken the precautionary measure of deleting any and all information on the current leadership class from my internal drives. I have also initiated contact with a drone that has been forwarded to me via the Office of Interstellar Observers. It refers to itself as “Branson Fasricci”, and has provided us with subjects that can be used for infiltration. The deal with this particular drone is outside of my Field of Non-Terminal Information which will most certainly result in my undergoing VOLT (Violent Organic Liquification Transformation) if observed. As such, no attempts to observe such information has been attempted.

The first drone that I have been provided with is 3 x 0.15 [non-translatable unit of measurement], 600 [non-translatable unit of measurement], and a somewhat spongy midsection. It is male with a white skin pigment, relative lack of fur, and has an anal cavity of 309 [non-translatable unit of measurement]. Subject is not rated for atmospheric entry, as has been demonstrated with previous models.

As such, per protocol 42 subsection 1.943*1023, I will be performing atmospheric entry intercourse via quantithermoplastic cylinder. Intercourse will be disguised by standard “Nothing to See Here” protocols. Sperm whales coated in bacon grease are ready for atmospheric deployment at forwarded points alpha, beta, and gamma. In addition to atmospheric nasal overload, we will be deploying big rocks to drop in forward point zeta to distract the drones with pretty streaks of light. Yort out.

Written by jackofspades83

May 21, 2009 at 1:48 pm

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