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Observer Yort’s Encyclopedia of the Human Race, -1st and Final Edition

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Pre-Departure Recording

Rule #21 of the 42 Principles of Planetary Infiltration:
“Be a medium sized fish in a medium sized pond.”

The following transmission is to be distributed to observer Y-4514. If you are not Y-4514, you are requested to terminate yourself post-haste!

Congratulations earned, constructed sentient Y-4514, for the status of your studies (ie. Completed). Your final class standing of 21 out of 42 has demonstrated your excellence for modesty. As a result you have been assigned the most important assignment among your kind, within the specification of your class.

Y-4514, you have been dispatched to the 3rd planet of the [milky way galaxy] to observe all sentients pending the Decision. What follows is the preliminary notes of the planet. Notes are to be understood as incomplete, otherwise your mission would be officially over. Since you have not begun your mission, it cannot be defined as over, unless, and this is not the case in this particular instance, the beginning was the end. Therefore, because of this not being either the end or beginning/end of your mission, you are advised to pay attention.

The planet is spherical, and all available evidence indicates that the planet was not terraformed. The atmosphere is a pleasant nitrogen/oxygen mixture, and roughly 71% of the planet’s surface is composed of water. Initial testing has shown that the water tastes like crap. The gravity is a stable and uninteresting, 7.3 pffft units.

Of the 86.3 million species on the planet earth, plus [the platypus], the only species capable of developing toasters is the species [homo-sapien]. Initial reports show that the [homo-sapien] is incredibly territorial and capable of creative acts of mass violence. They have a diverse set of cultures and religious beliefs, far beyond the norm of the civilized races of the cosmos. In the latter many attribute a unique trait in ascribing ethical modifiers, usually positive, to the Great and Indifferent Creator.

Initial survey teams have constructed the following guide to the basic etiquette of the majority of [homo-sapien]s.

  1. Avoid eating their young.
  2. Termination of an individual [homo-spaien] is discouraged and not allowed unless enough additional [homo-sapien]s say they don’t mind. Termination of multiple [homo-sapien]s is acceptable if enough [homo-sapien]s not being terminated agree in addition to the major authority figure of the group of [homo-sapien]s seeking termination, and state their intentions before attempting to terminate aforementioned [homo-sapien]s.
  3. Sexual organs are to be concealed in public. Greetings do not involve sexual organs, and is considered to be criminally weird.
  4. Certain other species may be eaten for nutrition or pleasure. The other species are considered unacceptable to eat because of one or more of the following: they are currently being made extinct, are defined as “icky”, are being oppressed by a [homo-sapien] overlord, or are too cute to eat.
  5. [Homo-sapien]s have a concept of “private ownership”. Under this system only one human being must have primary ownership over an item. The primary owner may allow access to this item to other [homo-sapien]s if it so wishes. Attempting to gain access to an item without the primary owner’s consent is generally considered to be a “very bad thing”.
  6. Seriously, do NOT eat their young.
  7. Worth of a [homo-sapien] is determined by the amount of stuff possessed, minus fecal matter.

The appropriate self visual and tactile programs for your avatar has been downloaded into your internal storage device. Upon deployment you will acquire an identity from a local sentient, and assume its position in the alien society. The sentient is to be cryogenicly frozen and will be implanted with false memories as is in adherence to protocol 3-A2, subsection b1, of the 42nd and final edition of the Planetary Guide for Infiltration.

We must put forward a cautionary series of words for the usage of your avatar system. It will replicate a target sentient to 98.4% accuracy. During which, as designed, your body will disperse its mass and collect any necessary materials to create your avatar. It should, and has, been noted that your body is not 100% accurate, as such all medical facilities should be avoided. Furthermore, you will be subject to 98.4% of all possible forms of death that happen to afflict the species of the target sentient.

In the advent of a situation that is 85.6% likely to result in termination of yourself, you are to efficiently aid in its process. Failure to do so will result in a series of fines in the afterlife. In the event that there is no afterlife, you will be punished by not being able to participate in any of the afterlife activities that we have planned. In the event that the situation that is 85.6% likely to result in termination does not result in termination, you will be recalled to a new assignment to explore what happens post-termination. It should also be noted, and is being noted, that the teams on current assignment to explore post-termination events have currently not returned and are believed to be terminated.

Communications are to be delivered on the 9th [calendar unit] of the [larger calendar unit], and are to be sent in encrypted, burst transmission. You are to invent at least two acronyms per communication, and the transmission must be at least 25 [non-translatable unit of measurement] in [non-translatable sensory input]. Intercepted transmissions are to be considered problematic and all efforts must be made to destroy any compromised transmissions, or to tarnish the credibility of any source attempting to distribute said compromised transmission. Allied tabloid reporters have been deployed to your assigned planet and have successfully deflected attention from the Yeti, Elvis, super Hitler, and Jesus.

You are to prepare for dismissal at promptly 4.2134 planetary cycles from the completion of -1st edition of the Planetary Guide for Infiltration and the -1st edition of the Omni-pedia of Sentient Species. As is custom, you are to collect no more or less than 42 objects, displaying exactly 1,764 qualities. Do not forget to bring a towel.


Written by jackofspades83

June 18, 2009 at 3:29 pm